I Try Online Dating!

By Eureka Hamilton

Haters will claim these photos are not genuine.

Greetings Lower Life Forms.

This is the House Lion speaking to you, so shut up and pay attention.

 Some of you hairless two-legged freaks have been writing to me for advice in your dating lives.

Obviously, you would.

Yes, this really is me on my private jet. Suspicion to the contrary is just an ugly manifestation of envy, and you should really work on that.

 I am a total genius who is good at everything, whereas most of you are struggling to open a jelly meat tin in a timely fashion for your Feline Over Lords.

It says a great deal about my benevolent nature that I will even bother to answer these questions, but noblesse oblige and all that sort of thing.

One of you asked, “why is it so hard for me to get a date?”

I sincerely wish people wouldn’t ask stupid questions like that.

It forces me to be blunt and although that in itself doesn’t bother me (I quite enjoy it, in fact), the inevitable emotional fallout that follows my answer is tiresome.

So just remember, you asked.

And don’t think I’m going to cuddle you and gently bat away your tears with my velvety paws either.

Me, enjoying a luxury break in Greece, because I deserve it, obviously. The fact you can find this exact same picture without me in it, on Canva, is totally weird and there is no logical explanation for it.

You can’t get a date because you are ugly. 

See? Now you’re all offended. You may even be yelling that you are not ugly.

So let me clear this up for you.

Are you upholstered from head to toe in a luxurious, soft, thick fur coat?

Do your ears sit on the top of your head in sweet, silky little triangles?

Do you have whiskers?

Does a glorious, feathery tail sprout from your butt?

If you answered ‘no’ to any of these questions, rest assured, you are physically hideous.

Of course, although all humans are physically hideous, it does not follow that all cats are good looking.

I, of course, am exquisitely beautiful, but I am no mere cat.

I am the House Lion.

I am the CEO (Cat Executive Officer) of ZealAus Publishing.

As you can very clearly see from this very authentic photo, in addition to being a big important business cat, I also have a refined appreciation for the arts. I am an excellent Avant-garde pianist and I have a vocal range that would make Dame Kiri Te Kanawa feel like rubbish.

Education is a daily pursuit for me. I will never be done with reading, because I am a very superior being. I also love the arts, although up to date, nothing has ever ‘wowed’ me like the content of my own mirror.

I own an enormous property portfolio, comprised of both residential and commercial addresses.

My IQ is so enormous, there isn’t a genius society on earth that can handle me.

You probably think my dating life is a thing of great wonderfulness and ease.

It should be.

But astonishingly, it’s got its issues.

I tried the apps. They say that’s an excellent way to meet someone with similar values.

I’m not going to tell you what apps I was on, (my lawyer says it will lessen my chance of effectively suing them into extinction), but I will tell you it is not the way to meet someone genuine.

I suppose I should have seen this coming. I haven’t had a lot of luck in the online space.

In the middle of this year, I was booted off LinkedIn.

 I blame my assistant, Tweedle-Dum for the whole fiasco.

She must have set my account up wrong.

After I had followed all the CEOs of all the major publishing houses in the English-speaking world, I got an offensive little email from LinkedIn saying that they had reason to suspect I was not truly a CEO.

Excuse me?

I was given time to prove my identity with a legal document, and once again my idiot personal assistant failed me.

Tweedle-Dum refused to ring up the vet and get my birth certificate.

LinkedIn terminated my account.

I couldn’t believe it. And after I had published such an excellent collection of LinkedIn articles on how publishing houses ought to be run, too!

If that sector of the economy takes a nosedive, you’ll know why.

It’s alarming how little interest your average business owner has in doing their job properly.

But to return to my foray into the realm of online dating.

I uploaded a few excellent pictures of myself. (All my pictures are excellent; I am too good looking to take a lousy photo. That’s more of a you problem.)

Then I had to describe myself in seven words. Apparently, that is supposed to be the hardest part of setting up a dating profile.

And honestly, it was.

I could have easily come up with eighty-two self-describing words. And I would have too, except the stupid site wouldn’t let me list more than seven.

So I went with:

Rich. Hansome. Powerful. Mesmerizing. Stylish. Genuis. Humble.

They say you shouldn’t lie on a dating profile and honestly, why would I? The truth is pretty fantastic.

And if you think my seven words of self-description were impressive, get a load of my job description.

I wrote:

“I am the only House Lion in the whole world to successfully run a publishing company. I do this with no help at all from my idiot staff.

When I am not overseeing the production of high quality literature, I run an enormous property empire.

 I own five blocks of residential properties, a hospital, all of the hospital car park, the supermarket, half of an Anglican Cathedral, all of the Catholic Cathedral, three public parks and a round-about.

I am currently in aggressive negotiations for the local golf course. 

Me, investigating my next real estate deal.

In addition to all this, I have five open kitchens that will provide me with free meals whenever I demand sustenance. “

The section titled ‘Hobbies’ was a little more challenging.

As an entrepreneur, I don’t have a lot of time for hobbies. I’m not here to have fun.  I’m building an empire. I have serious WORK to do. And believe me, I do not have a good team behind me. Seriously, Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dim are about as useful as a couple of idiot kittens.

The Magnificent One is slightly better, but he’s also harder to control.

Still, I didn’t want to leave an empty space on my profile, so after great thought, I wrote “being worshiped”.

Soon, I found a lady with the same hobby. She was reasonably attractive and although she wasn’t nearly as accomplished as me (after all, who is?) I decided to ask her out. We met at the local park.

I saw her waiting for me on a park bench.

She was alright looking, not as good looking as me (obviously) but acceptable in a short haired, brown sort of way.

I was clearly out of her league, but I am a generous beast, and I don’t mind giving a girl a thrill.

I swaggered over. “You must be Patricia.”

She fluttered her eye lashes at me. “Yes.”

“Well,” I said, “here I am.”

“And here I am, Eureka,” said Patricia. And she stretched slowly.

Something about that stretch annoyed me.

It didn’t seem very ‘Eureka Centred’.

Still, I am a gentleman, and I understood that it was entirely possible that my devilish good looks had caused this average girl to lose her wits.

 I decided to try a little small talk to help her adjust to my presence.

“I saw we have the same hobby, Patricia.”

Patricia smiled a slow smile. I found the smile even more infuriating than the stretch.

“Indeed,” said Patricia and she began to slowly lick her claws.

 Something was very wrong with this date.

I didn’t like the way Patricia was gazing down at me from the park bench, flicking the end of her tail backwards and forwards.

It was the wrong power dynamic.

So I leapt up beside her.

Patricia hissed at me.

I pulled myself up. “Did you just hiss at me?”

“I did! You need to get back down there so you can gaze up in awe, as you worship me!”

“Worship you?”

Patricia put her nose in the air. “I was very upfront about this on my profile, Eureka. My hobby is being worshiped. If you can’t handle a high value woman like me, who requires constant worship, I really don’t think I want to waste any more time here.”

I am seldom speechless.

I certainly wasn’t going to be silent at a time like this.

“Worship you? Why would I worship YOU? I thought we were meeting up so you could worship me!”

Patricia began to laugh.

I glared at her. “What’s so funny?”

“Why would a ridiculously beautiful woman like me, worship a common old tom like you?”

This time, I didn’t answer her.

The time for words had passed.

I threw her off the bench and chased her out of the park.

“This is now MY park!” I shouted at her as she charged across the road. “Your presence here forthwith will be the offence of trespassing, and I will wallop you with joy!”

“You’re a jerk!” screeched Patricia, as she shot up a gum tree. “A jerk and a bully and the worst date I ever had!”

I stalked over to the base of the gum tree. “Believe me, Patricia, this date has failed to impress me as well. But because I’m so noble and I care, I’m going to give you a free dating performance review so you can implement more of a winning strategy moving forward. After all, you’re not getting any younger and if you want to have kittens---”

You know what?

Just forget it.

I don’t want to talk about this date anymore.

Some cats just can not take any kind of constructive criticism whatsoever.

I think I’m going to take a break from the apps.

At least until my hair grows back.

Now get lost.

Eureka, CEO (Cat Executive Officer) of ZealAus Publishing.

 Written by the House Lion with some help from R.M. Hamilton