Voyage of Love

By Eureka Hamilton. CEO of ZealAus Publishing.

Greetings, Lower Lifeforms.

This is the House Lion speaking to you, so stop whatever you are doing and pay attention.

Regular readers of my blog will be aware that I have recently fallen in love with the most beautiful cat lady in the whole world.

Misty Tankelevich!

My last post recounted the terrible things that happened to me because of my Number One Idiot, Tweedle-Dum.

She refused to lend me her phone to contact Misty, offered me the wrong kind of jelly-meat for breakfast, and banished me to the garden, where I experienced a shocking ordeal.

We don’t need to go in to all the details, it is enough for you to know that your glorious House Lion suffered an outrageous humiliation, all because an alleged children’s author couldn’t control her gluttonous urge for eating rhubarb pies.

Worse still, the Hateful Pickwick failed to learn what a worm he is.

After that encounter in the lavender ring, he’s been swaggering around with a grin on his rotten tabby face that would make the Cheshire Cat look as emotionally restrained as a British Royal.

Which leads me to my Catty Meringue.

Realizing that Tweedle-Dum would never give me her phone, combined with the fact she’s totally addicted to it and will never put it down for more than three minutes, so even purloining it wasn’t going to work, I decided to go to America and meet Misty in real life.

Of course, getting to America is a daunting task.

 Misty’s home is about 12,050 km away from me.

But If Helen of Troy (who was merely human) had a face that could launch a thousand ships, how much more did Misty deserve me to sail to the shore of her land and declare my love?

I decided to build a boat.

Research led me to conclude that the fastest kind of boat is a Catty Meringue.

It’s not surprising really, anything involving the word ‘cat’ is bound to be a high performer.

I waited until Tweedle-Dum was out in her garden, blabbering away to the butterflies.

She really is an idiot. Initially, I assumed she was suffering mental decline as a result of being so old (she’s in her late hundreds) but then I found this foolish picture that proves she was no great genius in her forties.

(Please note, if you are confused about this, it’s not my fault that people calculate age differently from cats. Obviously, the cat way is the correct way).

Once a butterfly chasing nitwit, always a butterfly chasing nitwit.

Tweedle-Dim and the Magnificent One were out, presumably buying cat food, or at least, that is what they should have been doing. I have known them to disappoint before.

I began to assemble my building materials.

I sauntered down the creaky stairs that lead to the bottom floor of Rose Bank House. There’s always a big mess down there (you’ll notice the bottom floor seldom features on Tweedle-Dum’s vlog, she’s rightly ashamed of the squalid conditions), and I was confident I would find something suitable for my Catty Meringue.

And I did. A large box marked Calypso Mangoes.

Boat building is difficult and highly skilled work. It’s even harder when you have paws.

But being a super genius House Lion, I prevailed.

I worked hard all morning, and I had just begun to pack my valuables for the long voyage ahead, when Jasper pootled out of the study.

Jasper is the brother of Stinking Sheila. I do not mind him. He understands that compared to me, he is worthless.

I would not call him a bright cat, but this realization does make him 97 percent more enlightened than most of creation.

He came over and looked at my superb craft.

His green eyes widened with interest in his gingery head.

“What’s that?” he asked.

I felt myself swell with pride. “Well may you ask, Jasper! This is my Catty Meringue!”

Jasper batted the side of it with his paw.

“what’s a Catty Meringue?”

“Get your paw off my boat! A Catty Meringue is the fastest kind of sailing boat in the world. Which is good, because I want to reach my love as fast as possible!”

Jasper took his paw off my boat. “Why is it called a Catty Meringue?”

I sighed. “Jasper, you are very ignorant. The ‘catty’ bit is in reference to its speed and superiority. And a meringue is something sweet, as is victory. Hence the combined name, Catty Meringue.”

Jasper flopped down on the floor. “Are you sure?”

I glared at him. “Of course, I’m sure! How did the Americans beat New Zealand in the 1988 America’s Cup?”

Jasper yawned and rolled over. “Did they?”

“They did! They entered a Catty Meringue in the race, and they won by a lot! The New Zealanders were deeply respectful and admiring! They even came up with a special name for the American crew. They called them “a pack of cheetahs!”

Jasper sat up. “Oh wow!”

“Indeed! For you see, Jasper, a Catty Meringue is a craft so noble and swift, that even the losers of a world-famous yacht race, will admire its specialness and proclaim the crew of such a boat, equal in worth to a group of the fastest cats in the world!”

Jasper began to jump up and down. “Oh Eureka, let me come! I want to come in your Catty Meringue! I want to sail to America in your Catty Meringue! I want to be a noble cheetah!”

I gave him a hard look. “No can do. This is a quest for love, and I must undertake it alone. Also, I will probably become very famous as a result of my intrepid voyage, and I don’t want to share any of the glory with you.”

Jasper stuck out his bottom lip. “Who is this lady cat, anyway?”

I smiled a slow smile. “Not anyone you would know about, Jasper. Her name is Misty Tankelevich and she—”

“MISTY TANKELEVITCH!?” screeched Jasper.  He began to hurl himself around the room. “Oh Eureka, you just have to let me come! She’s famous! She’s the most beautiful cat lady in the world! Oh, I want to go to America so badly! Oh I want to meet Misty! Please! Please! Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeese Eureka!”

I glared at him.

“How do you know my girlfriend?”

Can you imagine a woman as beautiful as Misty wanting to meet Jasper? Of course not! Jasper is a ginger, and gingers are fearsomely unattractive. This is also the main reason I can’t rehome Tweedle-Dum. Nobody wants her.

“Everyone knows her! She’s a movie star and a model and she inspires children’s books, and how can she be your girlfriend if you haven’t even met her?”

I gave him a withering glance. “How do you know we haven’t met? We have met. It was cosmically beautiful and deeply spiritual, and you wouldn’t understand.”

Jasper started bawling. “I don’t believe you! How can you have met her when you’ve never been to America?”

“I have met her! Remember last year when I bravely liberated a captive ham from a Christmas party?”

“I remember, you got ham poisoning and threw up for seven days. And I don’t think you did liberate it. I think you stole it.”

I smacked his head. “Silence! I did liberate it and I didn’t throw up for seven days. It was only three. The point is, while I lay in a haze of pain, Misty came to me in a vision. And she spoke to me and said, ‘Eureka, you are the most jaw droppingly gorgeous gentlemanly House Lion in the whole universe. My heart will be as arid as the gobi desert if you do not come to me!’”

 It’s such a mistake to share moments of sacred mysticism with the unenlightened.

“What sort of dessert?”

I gave him a hard stare. “What are you talking about?”

“You said we were getting dessert. Will it have cream? I like cream!”

“We are not having dessert. We are talking about deep and sacred feelings and it’s just typical you’d start thinking about food in the middle of such a philosophical conversation.”

Jasper looked inside my Catty Meringue. “Your boat has holes in it.”

“So?”

“Won’t it sink?”

“Of course not, Jasper! My heart is full of love for the stunning Miss Misty Tankelevich! Love will keep my ship afloat as I sail onwards to claim my beloved! Love is very buoyant stuff!”

“How are you going to get to the ocean?”

I sighed. “Jasper, you wary me. Naturally, I shall launch my Catty Meringue into the agricultural irrigation system and sail until the river meets the sea!”

“Well, I hope you sink,” muttered Jasper.

“EXCUSE ME?”

Jasper began to cry. “I can’t help it! I love Misty too! It’s not fair that you won’t let me come in your Catty Meringue! BOO HOO!”

I stormed over to him. “That is no excuse for ill wishing me! I will now have to sit on your head!”

Jasper yelped. “Oh no! Not that!”  

“Oh yes! Come here you little twerp! This will teach you to ill wish my love boat!”

“But you sat on my head last Sunday! You sat on my head for the whole time the family watched Lord of the Rings! And it’s an awfully long movie!”

I advanced towards him. “Yes! But remember, you sat in my bed! You know the rules, only I get to sit in my bed!”

I continued advancing towards him. Suddenly the front door burst open and Tweedle-Dum came prancing in.

A study in idiocy. You see what I’m dealing with!

Her eyes fell to my love boat. “What a mess, Eureka!” She put down her cup of flowers and marched towards my noble ship.

Then she swept up my love boat, my provisions, and my gifts for Misty. I watched in shocked rage as she marched out of the house and flung all my dreams into the rubbish bin.

Horror froze me momentarily. But by the time that Idiot Number One had returned from the rubbish bin, I was ready for her.

I leapt up and attached all my teeth to her hand. And I didn’t let go for a whole five minutes.

Thus ended my voyage for love. I still haven’t forgiven Tweedle-Dum, and I’m not sure I ever will.

Now go away.

I need to do a lot of comfort eating. Preferably something large, that Tweedle-Dum thought was for her.

 Something like brisket.

Yes, heart wounds like mine require brisket.

All the brisket.

That will show them.

Regards, Eureka, CEO (Cat Executive Officer) of ZealAus Publishing.

Post Script. Since the writing of this piece, Jasper has been transferred to another home. I wish him well. Although he committed the grievous crimes of desiring my beloved and sitting in my bed, he is still a cat. His managerial services will no doubt contribute to the stability of the realm.

To quote Cato the Feline:

“Si feles regnare desinerent, omnes gentes caderent.”

If cats ceased to reign, all nations would fall.

See? It pays to read the classics.

 Now really, get lost.